Intrepid Spaceship Captain Reportedly Compensating For Tiny Penis

Sources inside Starfleet confirmed on Wednesday that Captain Brazz Murdock may be facing disciplinary actions following an incident that took place during a mission in the Antaeus System, earlier this month.

Captain Murdock, who commands the Miranda Class USS Kazuya, reportedly attempted to set a new speed record on his supply run to the Delta Vega outpost, by pushing his ship’s warp core to warp 8, a speed far beyond its intended capacity. The maneuver resulted in significant damage to the vessel, which experts say will take months to repair.

“He’s always pulling shit like this,” said a member of his crew, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s completely unnecessary. We were delivering agricultural equipment, not fighting the Klingons. It just screams small pee-pee energy.”

Rumors about Murdock’s “inadequacies” have been circulating for while, fueled partly by his fondness for hair products and incessant use of the wink and finger-gun combo. “Who does that?” asked a Starfleet officer familiar with the case. “People with tiny dicks, that’s who,” he continued.

Members of the USS Kazuya crew point to other incriminating hints: “He loves a good asteroid field,” says Kurt McLean, his navigator. “Anytime he can find one he’ll have us go through it, whether we need to or not. He says it keeps us on our toes.” McLean challenges that rationale, however, arguing that Murdock might have more personal reasons for these unwarranted detours . “He’ll name the asteroids after his ex-wives and ask us to shoot them down. He’ll watch them blow up and yell stuff out like: did you feel THAT, Carol!?”

Captain Murdock refused to comment on the allegations, citing the ongoing investigation. He did confirm, however, that the USS Kazuya would be receiving brand new torpedo launchers and a new set of phasers. “I’ve measured them myself,” said Murdock. “They’re quite the package,” he added with a wink.